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04 January 2019 @ 11:54 pm
So, I started off the new year with a couple of changes. I cut my hair. It's basically a buzzcut. But, it will grow out and I like how it looks.

I also decided to set a writing goal per week. Right now it's set at 500 words. I wrote 1600 words so far this week so, I've already met my goal. The idea it can be any kind of writing: fic or original writing. I just need to continuously excercise my writing muscles.

I just finished 202 of Game of Thrones. Each episode is so long and I find myself kinda drained anyway so I am going to try and aim to watch 2 episodes a week.
01 January 2019 @ 09:32 pm
I can't believe it is already 2019. This has been a really rough year. My mom's illness keeps getting worse. But, all I can do is help her cope until there is nothing more that I can do. I am however, sick of people telling me to count my blessings. I know that my life isn't complete shit, but I need them to stop trivializing the weight on my shoulder. It's not easy and I am doing the best I can. Right now, I am starting to see a therapist again which frankly I think I need. I am trying to carve out time to focus on myself. I need down time, but no one is going to hand that to me, I have to go seek it out and just make myself think about me first. But, I survived in a lot better shape going into the new year than 2017 or 2018 so there is that.

On the upside, I have started bingewatching shows on my prep. I don't care that is me time and I am sick of feeling guilty for taking one of my two breaks for myself. I have my headphones, cup of tea or coffee and wrap myself up on the couch and stream wahtever strikes my fancy and trust me it makes dealing with a classroom full of fourth graders infinitely easier.

I also go home feeling less worn out and ready to face home routines.

So things I have gotten into this year:

Insecure (all caught up)
The Hookup Plan
Currently watching: Game of Thrones but just started s2 so I am going to wait to do a write up about until after i finish s2.

05 November 2018 @ 08:20 pm
The last few months have been emotionally and physically taxing. It's getting harder and harder to find a space for just me. I feel like I am losing myself in being a caretaker. Taking care of the kids, my mom, my sister, my students. I just want to curl up and be left alone without anyone calling my name for a full day. So, I've decided to book myself into a hotel room for a full weekend all by lonesome. I am going to do absolutely nothing for 2 nights in a city that's not my home. I don't even care tbh. My husband thinks I have lost my mind and doesn't understand why  I don't want him to come. I just want a vacation for myself.
08 September 2018 @ 09:07 pm
The last few days has been emotionally taxing. Taking care of an aging parent who has an acid tongue and dementia is so hard. I also have nosy relatives who I am about just done with. I've got two of them off and I'll keep adding to the list because I don't need their toxicity. Honestly, today had a cry and husband called from his work trip and it was exactly what I needed. It's just all so hard.
Sometimes I just want to be 15 sitting in a field reading a book with not a worry in the world. I miss those days. 
21 August 2018 @ 07:07 pm
This summer has been very relaxing, but a total a flop in terms of getting any real writing done. I just haven't been in the mood. I don't know if its my constant state of anxiety or the lack of desire to do anything substantial. But, I just haven't accomplished much this summer. I also can't tell if I have gained or lost weight. I feel like I lost some but its shifted to my belly and thus my earlier weight gain is more visible. I just hope I stick to my workout routine this year. I just find dieting so hard so I am opting for switching out what I eat on a regular basis for healthier variations. Like no more basmati rice and wild rice instead. I just grew up in a carb heavy culture and changing my lifestyle choices is hard. But, I want to start small. For no other reason than its affecting my health and stamina.

I just hate that I am constantly questioning my body. I have had children. It's not easy. But, even before the kids, I struggled with belly fat which always plays with my sense of self. I know that I should just accept my body but I can't.
31 July 2018 @ 05:08 pm
It's very late at night on July 31 and I'm only a third into my het big bang entry. I might have to reduce my fic to little bang, but I really want to hit the 20,000 word count minimum. It's just so hard to find the time to write or the motivation. But, in that vein I decided to slowly move over my ffnet account to AOS and I realized that I wrote WAY too many Dan and Serena fics and have a decent number of reviews. It's a strange fandom that I still get defensive over. I mean I loved what was once the second biggest ship before they decided to swap out Serena for Blair. But, I also think that Dan and Serena are largely undervalued and underappreciated. I still don't think the intention of the final twist was to demean the pairing or make it seem so problematic. It's why I still sort of resent the twist. But, that doesn't take away from its inherit value. But, I think a lot of fandom folks have turned into SJW while completely ignoring the problematic aspects of their favs. It was the DS fans who were the first to point out that Chuck was  scuzzbucket rapist that shouldn't be trusted. Also the bolstering of Nate who wasn't just an idiot a lot of the times, but an asshole in his own right. Well none of the characters were really very nice.

Anyways enough of my weird GG ramble.

I have recognized that I seem to be drawn to messy relationships that some like to label toxic. Should I invest in a shrink?
29 July 2018 @ 03:41 pm
This trip was supposed to be relaxing, but it's just been a big pile of unneeded stress. I guess that comes with trying to rent out a property. People here are just a pain in the ass. I don't understand the culture, I'm not made of money. I just inherited an old house that I then used the cash part of my inheritance to fix up. The first two week were nice, but after that......

I have not gotten any more writing done in the last two weeks and I still have tons of red tape to take care of. I am hoping to get some writing done in the next ten days.
20 July 2018 @ 03:06 pm
I had so many goals for this summer. Being my last trip to East Africa, I was going to have help with the two youngest and plenty of time for writing. Reality: Lots of sleeping and running after the youngest cause she hasn't taken to the new babysitter.

I wanted to do this big bang and work on my novel. But, at least I am getting the big bang stuff done.

The lots of sleep has been nice. Not gonna pretend like it hasn't been plus.
02 April 2018 @ 08:31 pm
snagged from ragnarok_08

You pick a fandom and I will tell you:

my favorite female character
my favorite male character
my favorite book/season/etc.
my favorite episode (if it’s a TV show)
my favorite cast member
my favorite ship
a character I’d die defending
a character I just can’t sympathize with
a character I grew to love
my anti otp

My fandoms past and present are: Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, Felicity, Shadowhunters, The Flash, Dawsons Creek, Younger, Jane the Virgin, The Good Place and Riverdale.
01 April 2018 @ 09:39 pm
So I finally finished bingewatching Younger and it is such a cute show. I can't wait for it to come back in June. I was super into it while watching, but now I'm like meh. This is my problem with bingewatching. I get so immersed and than immediately enter meh land.

So, I found this great tumblr with writing prompt and they had this one prompt about meeting in a cafe and UST and bam I was able to write a good 700 word which is great considering, I haven't written a word in two or three months. At this rate, its going to take me another 4 years to complete this frakking, but I can't give up on it because I am so in love with these characters. Nikki feels like she is a part of me. Same with Alain.

So, the Shadowhunters is back and I still haven't finished episode 1. But, I'll get to it hopefully by next weekend.

I am caught up on Riverdale and I'm just not as excited about the show anymore. I still enjoy Bughead. But, Veronica and Archie are annoying the crap out of me.